Journal Entry #14 6-7-07
I write this journal with complete focus and extreme sincerity; during a point in my life that allows me to think and to analyze which inevitably gives me the insight I need to 1st acknowledge & ultimately learn. So, I guess you can say that reacting to these 30 years of existence on this so called free world society has issued me to learn. In addition, I’d like to make aware of the fact that it was in prison where I learned most of the things I know now. It was prison that allowed me the solitude to observe and analyze the game of life. If prison was indeed intended to rehabilitate or correct those who have rebelled against the system; it has backfired! Because prison had allowed me an opportunity to teach myself how to work within the system, to successfully overcome it. From this day forward, I am relinquishing myself from whatever slave mentality that was left on my persons. I am stating my opinions which may affect the masses in a positive aspect; motivating them to embrace and overcome the struggle: Do this with the confidence of a Roshchilds descendent. So to the judicial system, and the powers that be; who designed this world structure for me to be docile- your prison has made me worse!!!! I deviate from being docile!
Friday, July 16, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Patience is a Virtue J.E # 13
Patience is a Virtue
Journal Entry #13 6-6-07
Habari! All praises to the almighty Jah-Jah; to when I give all the glory in the Universe. It is because of him that I am alive and healthy this very day; and able to write you these sacred words of wisdom. Today’s journal entry is about Patience. As the well known sayin goes; “Patience is a virtue”… Also, a scripture in the book of Proverbs; located in the Holy Bible. I reiterate; Patience is a Virtue!!! So, if a woman waits patiently on her king; is she considered a Virtuous Woman? If a man waits patiently, and not only wait; But in the process of waiting: He knows that things will be much greater, and therefore, worth the wait. If this is the true, is that man considered Virtuous? If so, virtuous, I am not! Although, today and other days I do show flashes of patience- I’m not ready to except the title as being a Vitreous Man … Maybe one day I will? With that said; as of now all I will do is hope, and look forward to the day. My reason for bringing this topic up is because today I endure so much that my patience was really being tested: However, I had no control over the situation, just how I would react to it. I sat back and quietly suffered within myself. This morning I was awaken by the C/O at around 4:30am, telling me to pack it up- I’m transferring. From like 5am to 8:30am; we sat on a concrete bench until the Blue bird arrived. (By the way, Blue Bird is a prison bus) After it arrived we was told to strip down and lift our nut sacks, and penis’, then had to bend over and cough. Now mind you, this was in front of like 60 plus other inmates and 4 C/O’s. The degrading continues… Once we were humiliated, we had to assume the position so that our leg irons could be put on; now, this position requires us to place our knees on the concrete bench, so that the officer could place the shackle around our ankles. I don’t know if you have ever sat with your knees on the concrete before; but its torture! Especially if you have bad knees! Following that procedure, we loaded up on the hot and very uncomfortable bus headed to our destination. To make a long story short- I spent about 7 hrs on that bus. With no bathroom, knees hittin the seat in front of me, sweating like a Hebrew slave from the heat; til we finally made it to our destination- Washington C.I.
To be continued…
-Banditti the don
Journal Entry #13 6-6-07
Habari! All praises to the almighty Jah-Jah; to when I give all the glory in the Universe. It is because of him that I am alive and healthy this very day; and able to write you these sacred words of wisdom. Today’s journal entry is about Patience. As the well known sayin goes; “Patience is a virtue”… Also, a scripture in the book of Proverbs; located in the Holy Bible. I reiterate; Patience is a Virtue!!! So, if a woman waits patiently on her king; is she considered a Virtuous Woman? If a man waits patiently, and not only wait; But in the process of waiting: He knows that things will be much greater, and therefore, worth the wait. If this is the true, is that man considered Virtuous? If so, virtuous, I am not! Although, today and other days I do show flashes of patience- I’m not ready to except the title as being a Vitreous Man … Maybe one day I will? With that said; as of now all I will do is hope, and look forward to the day. My reason for bringing this topic up is because today I endure so much that my patience was really being tested: However, I had no control over the situation, just how I would react to it. I sat back and quietly suffered within myself. This morning I was awaken by the C/O at around 4:30am, telling me to pack it up- I’m transferring. From like 5am to 8:30am; we sat on a concrete bench until the Blue bird arrived. (By the way, Blue Bird is a prison bus) After it arrived we was told to strip down and lift our nut sacks, and penis’, then had to bend over and cough. Now mind you, this was in front of like 60 plus other inmates and 4 C/O’s. The degrading continues… Once we were humiliated, we had to assume the position so that our leg irons could be put on; now, this position requires us to place our knees on the concrete bench, so that the officer could place the shackle around our ankles. I don’t know if you have ever sat with your knees on the concrete before; but its torture! Especially if you have bad knees! Following that procedure, we loaded up on the hot and very uncomfortable bus headed to our destination. To make a long story short- I spent about 7 hrs on that bus. With no bathroom, knees hittin the seat in front of me, sweating like a Hebrew slave from the heat; til we finally made it to our destination- Washington C.I.
To be continued…
-Banditti the don
The Guilty One J.E #11
The Guilty One
Journal entry #11 6-4-07
Hakuna Imani! I start this notation with a bit of frustration, because of a vision I had last night, of early this morning. The vision could be interpreted many different ways; However, I always tend to lean towards the negative aspect of them- since I’m somewhat of a realest. So let’s call this journal the “Guilty One!” shall we? Ok, let me get str8 to the point. My dream was about me being sent away to possibly a prison of some sort; to find that my girlfriend was cheating while I was incarcerated. In this, although I didn’t get a clear view of who my girlfriend was- I will have to say she’s my current- Sasha. For some reason or another I got an early release, and she didn’t know it. I went to the house while she was perhaps at work and for some reason noticed these satin panties with a heart shape on them; it must have been Valentine’s Day or something. Anyhow, I pick the panties up and it was a white substance on them, what I perceived to be cum. Now, I instantly go in investigative mood. I called at the last minute to make her aware or the fact that I was out on furlough, and to come pick me up from a specific location: then I had some type of surveillance on the house. And although I never saw anyone (male) that is: I questioned her faithfulness. Now, this dream had a lot more detail. For one there was a point to where I was tempted to get back at her by knockin off some chic, but declined due to the fact that I was on a mission; and there were some other factors letting us know that it wasn’t meant. But, to say that I couldn’t sleep would be an understatement; I literally had pains in my stomach, (anxiety) so bad that I couldn’t sleep. I don’t know why I felt that why. It felt as if she was having sex with someone right at that moment. It was like someone was violating my territory. But, that’s not what hurt me the most. What really fucked me up was once I finally go to the house to see the girls; it felt as if they’d seen a ghost. They had this guilty look on their face, not for their sake; but they’re mothers. The vibe that I got from them was so strong, until I didn’t even try to ask any questions, because at that present moment I couldn’t stand to hear the truth. After I couldn’t go back to sleep and the ache in my heart wouldn’t stop; I just sat u thinking that somehow I somehow I deserved to be treated that way. It was like I was being paid back for the woman whose heart I hurt. All at once my emotions started playing on my mind, til I felt so weak. Weak for love, a sucker for love; because after chasing me for so long, cupid had finally struck me with his; and I felt as though I was really in love and could let my guard down- Finally, I can submit my heart to the female species. But, low & behold; the joke was on me. So, not as I sit here writing this testimony, having conflicting feelings, I ask myself; will I ever trust a woman with my heart?
Is it even worth me living that deep, til I subdue myself totally to love & devotion; only to be devastated, having my heart suffers in Heart Break Hell- if there is such a thing. Right not at this present time; I wonder if I’d ever enjoy the happiness and the joys, the wholeness, the unification that comes with being in love? And for a long time in my 30 yrs. Of existence in this place we call Earth; I am honestly frightened for my future… Afraid of being let down by my arch enemy- LOVE…
And until I win that battle- “Hakuna Imani” There will never be peace- at least within me…
If I ever got had the chance to love again/ While I waste risk such a feeling/ that made feel at peace within? / And girl, if I place my heart in your pretty hands.
-Banditti the don
Journal entry #11 6-4-07
Hakuna Imani! I start this notation with a bit of frustration, because of a vision I had last night, of early this morning. The vision could be interpreted many different ways; However, I always tend to lean towards the negative aspect of them- since I’m somewhat of a realest. So let’s call this journal the “Guilty One!” shall we? Ok, let me get str8 to the point. My dream was about me being sent away to possibly a prison of some sort; to find that my girlfriend was cheating while I was incarcerated. In this, although I didn’t get a clear view of who my girlfriend was- I will have to say she’s my current- Sasha. For some reason or another I got an early release, and she didn’t know it. I went to the house while she was perhaps at work and for some reason noticed these satin panties with a heart shape on them; it must have been Valentine’s Day or something. Anyhow, I pick the panties up and it was a white substance on them, what I perceived to be cum. Now, I instantly go in investigative mood. I called at the last minute to make her aware or the fact that I was out on furlough, and to come pick me up from a specific location: then I had some type of surveillance on the house. And although I never saw anyone (male) that is: I questioned her faithfulness. Now, this dream had a lot more detail. For one there was a point to where I was tempted to get back at her by knockin off some chic, but declined due to the fact that I was on a mission; and there were some other factors letting us know that it wasn’t meant. But, to say that I couldn’t sleep would be an understatement; I literally had pains in my stomach, (anxiety) so bad that I couldn’t sleep. I don’t know why I felt that why. It felt as if she was having sex with someone right at that moment. It was like someone was violating my territory. But, that’s not what hurt me the most. What really fucked me up was once I finally go to the house to see the girls; it felt as if they’d seen a ghost. They had this guilty look on their face, not for their sake; but they’re mothers. The vibe that I got from them was so strong, until I didn’t even try to ask any questions, because at that present moment I couldn’t stand to hear the truth. After I couldn’t go back to sleep and the ache in my heart wouldn’t stop; I just sat u thinking that somehow I somehow I deserved to be treated that way. It was like I was being paid back for the woman whose heart I hurt. All at once my emotions started playing on my mind, til I felt so weak. Weak for love, a sucker for love; because after chasing me for so long, cupid had finally struck me with his; and I felt as though I was really in love and could let my guard down- Finally, I can submit my heart to the female species. But, low & behold; the joke was on me. So, not as I sit here writing this testimony, having conflicting feelings, I ask myself; will I ever trust a woman with my heart?
Is it even worth me living that deep, til I subdue myself totally to love & devotion; only to be devastated, having my heart suffers in Heart Break Hell- if there is such a thing. Right not at this present time; I wonder if I’d ever enjoy the happiness and the joys, the wholeness, the unification that comes with being in love? And for a long time in my 30 yrs. Of existence in this place we call Earth; I am honestly frightened for my future… Afraid of being let down by my arch enemy- LOVE…
And until I win that battle- “Hakuna Imani” There will never be peace- at least within me…
If I ever got had the chance to love again/ While I waste risk such a feeling/ that made feel at peace within? / And girl, if I place my heart in your pretty hands.
-Banditti the don
Monday, July 12, 2010
The Awakening Experience
Journal Entry #10 6-1-07
Habari,
It’s so very easy to get subdued by your current surroundings, if you’re not focus on the mission at hand.
However, there must be a force behind that focus. While we all have our own motivations that fuel this force; at this present time mine is uprooted from disappointment. Why? We’ll during my attempt to get my DC card scanned, so that I can order from the canteen; I ran into all kinds of dead ends! The 1st try ended up not working, so I had to wait another day. I really wasn’t’ tripping off that though; Because, I’ve been waiting for almost a week to order, anyway. I wasn’t alone. Those of us whose cards didn’t scan the 1st attempt had to go to the administration building at 8 am the next morning, to try again. The whole time I’m thinking “What the hell are you doing here, again”? This is where I get down on myself for ended up back into the belly. Now, I’m hoping that it doesn’t scan- just to punish myself! Now, don’t get me wrong; I do need hygiene products, but I can suffer a few more days; as a reminder of not to come back… This whole fiasco stems from the fact that I feel as though I’m moving backwards. Just the thought of me ordering the same items in the same facility; makes me more & more disappointed in myself. No matter how it happened, I know it was because my lack of patience that caused this fate. Whether my intentions were good is besides the fact. A Lord knows that I am to smart, knowledge and wise in all area of life to me moving backwards. There’s obviously something missing; something that I lack within myself that’s stunting my growth. Since I acknowledge this fact, I swear not to leave this place lacking the ingredients that will ultimately help me reach my zenith.
-Banditti the don
Habari,
It’s so very easy to get subdued by your current surroundings, if you’re not focus on the mission at hand.
However, there must be a force behind that focus. While we all have our own motivations that fuel this force; at this present time mine is uprooted from disappointment. Why? We’ll during my attempt to get my DC card scanned, so that I can order from the canteen; I ran into all kinds of dead ends! The 1st try ended up not working, so I had to wait another day. I really wasn’t’ tripping off that though; Because, I’ve been waiting for almost a week to order, anyway. I wasn’t alone. Those of us whose cards didn’t scan the 1st attempt had to go to the administration building at 8 am the next morning, to try again. The whole time I’m thinking “What the hell are you doing here, again”? This is where I get down on myself for ended up back into the belly. Now, I’m hoping that it doesn’t scan- just to punish myself! Now, don’t get me wrong; I do need hygiene products, but I can suffer a few more days; as a reminder of not to come back… This whole fiasco stems from the fact that I feel as though I’m moving backwards. Just the thought of me ordering the same items in the same facility; makes me more & more disappointed in myself. No matter how it happened, I know it was because my lack of patience that caused this fate. Whether my intentions were good is besides the fact. A Lord knows that I am to smart, knowledge and wise in all area of life to me moving backwards. There’s obviously something missing; something that I lack within myself that’s stunting my growth. Since I acknowledge this fact, I swear not to leave this place lacking the ingredients that will ultimately help me reach my zenith.
-Banditti the don
The Awakening Experience
Journal Entry # 9 5-30-07
RMC- West Unit
I start this entry off with the saying: “Keep it real with others and they will keep it real with you”… Real recognize real as some may say. I say that everybody recognizes real! That’s a good thang too; especially in a place like prison, where you’re unable to earn a income unless you hustle, or have family support. Just a minute ago a jit ask me for a stamped envelope. He was willing to give me his breakfast tray. I don’t have what I need- Well, I want say that; because I do have everything I need to survive… I don’t have a stamp or envelope at the time since I fresh in and still awaiting my account to be turned on; but it’s a good thang I know a few convicts from my 1st bid that’ll do me a favor until then. In and outside off these prison gates; dudes will vouch that I am a stand up guy. I want use the word real, since dude use it out of context. So, I’ll say authenticity- if it’s even a word, lol! Too lazy to hunt down a dictionary; so I’ll just go with it. I got several offers form dudes in here to loan me what I needed until my account was turned on; but that’s the 1st sign of weakness- Desperation! I humbly declined because I’m patience enough to wait. If I would’ve display the same patience on the streets I wouldn’t be here. But if was a fifth, we’d all be drunk! Can’t dwell on past mistake, though; just have to learn from them?
I just go to the west unit today; which means I’ll sit here for about a month or so until my bus to my main camp comes through. I don’t have a clue where I’m going until I get there. I don’t have a clue where I’m goin; however, I can’t wait to get there. Time goes by a lot faster once you get settled at your permanent camp. The officers here are more strict,, the clothes are warn and ragged. Most importantly, I have to be at my permanent camp for 30 days until I’m illegible for work release. I finally received a letter from my lady last night. Well it was a card. Nonetheless, I was happy to hear from her and the girls. I guess she couldn’t write into words how much she misses me; and chose to let the card speak for her. She’s really a beautiful woman from the inside out. And if she listens, I’m gonna do my damnest to make her happy. Life is so unpredictable at times; because I honestly couldn’t foresee us being together. And honestly if it wasn’t for this case; I’m not sure if we would? All I did is adjusting to the situation. In life you have to go with what’s good for you at the time. After doing so; I concluded that at the present time- we are good for eachother. Sure, we have our issues with small things; with me it’s the weight, lol! I’m so damn picky- but, I like what I like! With her it’s my complaining about the small things like weight. Although, I don’t intend to settle; I will compromise on what’s best. And over all she passed the ultimate test… I mean not every woman is willing to stick with their dude during a prison bid. So with that alone; I’m truly thankful. Til pen meets paper again…
-Banditti the don
RMC- West Unit
I start this entry off with the saying: “Keep it real with others and they will keep it real with you”… Real recognize real as some may say. I say that everybody recognizes real! That’s a good thang too; especially in a place like prison, where you’re unable to earn a income unless you hustle, or have family support. Just a minute ago a jit ask me for a stamped envelope. He was willing to give me his breakfast tray. I don’t have what I need- Well, I want say that; because I do have everything I need to survive… I don’t have a stamp or envelope at the time since I fresh in and still awaiting my account to be turned on; but it’s a good thang I know a few convicts from my 1st bid that’ll do me a favor until then. In and outside off these prison gates; dudes will vouch that I am a stand up guy. I want use the word real, since dude use it out of context. So, I’ll say authenticity- if it’s even a word, lol! Too lazy to hunt down a dictionary; so I’ll just go with it. I got several offers form dudes in here to loan me what I needed until my account was turned on; but that’s the 1st sign of weakness- Desperation! I humbly declined because I’m patience enough to wait. If I would’ve display the same patience on the streets I wouldn’t be here. But if was a fifth, we’d all be drunk! Can’t dwell on past mistake, though; just have to learn from them?
I just go to the west unit today; which means I’ll sit here for about a month or so until my bus to my main camp comes through. I don’t have a clue where I’m going until I get there. I don’t have a clue where I’m goin; however, I can’t wait to get there. Time goes by a lot faster once you get settled at your permanent camp. The officers here are more strict,, the clothes are warn and ragged. Most importantly, I have to be at my permanent camp for 30 days until I’m illegible for work release. I finally received a letter from my lady last night. Well it was a card. Nonetheless, I was happy to hear from her and the girls. I guess she couldn’t write into words how much she misses me; and chose to let the card speak for her. She’s really a beautiful woman from the inside out. And if she listens, I’m gonna do my damnest to make her happy. Life is so unpredictable at times; because I honestly couldn’t foresee us being together. And honestly if it wasn’t for this case; I’m not sure if we would? All I did is adjusting to the situation. In life you have to go with what’s good for you at the time. After doing so; I concluded that at the present time- we are good for eachother. Sure, we have our issues with small things; with me it’s the weight, lol! I’m so damn picky- but, I like what I like! With her it’s my complaining about the small things like weight. Although, I don’t intend to settle; I will compromise on what’s best. And over all she passed the ultimate test… I mean not every woman is willing to stick with their dude during a prison bid. So with that alone; I’m truly thankful. Til pen meets paper again…
-Banditti the don
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
The Awakening Experience J.E #8
Journal Entry#8 5-29-07
“Soaking up the game that the OG’s sold to me”, Tupac Shakur: Hell Razor. I start this entry off with a verse from Tupac’s song Hell Razor for a very valid reason; that being the highlight of my day. Today, I spent a large portion conversing with a double OG name Larry Williams BKA Sapp. Mr. Williams as I called him is a well known ex-pimp, hustler, and gangster: All of the above. We met a couple days ago while waiting breakfast one morning; I was sitting the table talking about working out, staying healthy, or something of the sort; Diabetes that was it! He assumed I had the disease because most inmates at Butler are suffering from some type of illness. After all this is a medical camp. Anyhow, He told me a story about how dangerous it is to work out in the hot sun for long periods of time; while drinking an excessive amount of cold water afterwards. He explained how a friend of his died like that. So, later on that day we ended up eating lunch at the same table. Him, and some other guy from Jacksonville was talking about another O.G. I knew personally name Jedi. During their convo I stayed silent; not letting on that I knew who they were speaking of; I just sat and listened. For one you never know who knows who in the chain gang; so, it’s always wise to sit back and listen before talking openly about anyone. So, after chow when we got back to the dorm: I made him aware of the fact that I knew Jedi. We sat in on his bunk for about an hour; as I explained how I knew of Jedi. He then gave me a rundown on how he knew Jedi, along with the street version off Jedi’s rise in rank. See Jedi and I met while I was in Liberty C.I during my previous stint in prison. We maintained a close relationship for 6yrs; where we made a vow that we’d link up on the outs. Now in prison; the Jedi I knew was the money man. I really didn’t care about his status one way or another; but he had this aura about himself. The closer friends we became; the more of himself he exposed. Rumor was he was a big gambler, before he caught his 12yrs bid. Of course I’d put in the phone call to the streets, to follow up; to which he checked out. It was said that he rolled with a click of made guys that were real big in the local J-ville gambling circuit. Now, I am not at all naïve to believe all that I hear in the joint; sense dudes can be who they want to be in here, of course til someone from there hood comes in to exposed them, lol! Anyway, Sap gave me his version of this guy, which was more conclusive than the version Jedi gave me. Although he did gamble and hang with the hustlers, even had a lil money: He was far from the bonified husler he portrayed himself to be. Not in the same breath with Mr Williams/ Sap by no means. Sap and I sat a talked for almost two hours. We exposed a little about one another. I even told him about how I ended up compromising my G landing me my 1st 7yr bid- and for some shit that I didn’t do at that. We spoke about the state of mind of the youth coming up in the streets versus the old days. We even spoke about politics and strategy on surviving the game. It felt as if I was getting a lesson from Machiavelli or some modern day philosopher. I won’t say that I was intrigued, however the topic did hold my attention; which is hard to achieve- even in prison. It’s amazing how there is truly nothing new under the sun. Receiving such historical facts from Mr. Williams dating from the 70’s- 90’s; I wanted to know how could the game be manipulated or even maintained in this present day and age: Which I call the snitch era. And what methods would Mr. Williams go about doing so? One of the tactics we spoke about was the use of violence; taking down a list of the most heard about informants and displaying the killings so vicious that it would set an example for the rest. He compared it to how the Mafia of old handled informants. We spoke briefly on other tactics like maneuvering of working behind pawns. He stated; that if you are able to hand pick your clientele based on the quality of the product; You’d stand a better chance at surviving; Because when you can hand pick stand up guys out of working class citizens that have more to lose than the average street smoker, and build a relationship with them you are positioned to pen point a potential trader. However, there are draw backs from that as well; because most people who get set up are by someone that they trusted. So, in essence that’s a judgment call. In the end it’s truly everyman for himself and God for us all. We conversed a bit about woman; How to gain their loyalty and trust on down to choosing your wife. He shared with me the story how he met his wife. He said that he knew once he laid eyes on her that she was gonna be his wife. To me that’s powerful! Dude said he gave up his flock of hoes for her. Told her he didn’t need her to do nothing but raise his children. Thirty three years and seven kids later; they’re still together. She knew what type of man he was from the stories and rumor she heard in the street; but knew that he would become a completely different man with her love. The vicious man, with the hardened heart that the streets would depict him as; was the complete opposite with her. He did everything he told her he would do in protecting her and raising their kids’ family. She submitted, followed, and allowed him to lead as the king; having his back to the death. We spoke about some legitimate business endeavors; He shared my vision, even added to it. Before the day ended he gave me his personal info to contact him once I got to my permanent camp; and upon release. I never did ask what he was in for, or how much time he had; But I have a feeling it isn’t much………….
If it’s meant for us to meet again under different circumstances; what can I do to stop it? Til then, I will savor the conversation; and soak up the game. My journey continues…
-Banditti the don
“Soaking up the game that the OG’s sold to me”, Tupac Shakur: Hell Razor. I start this entry off with a verse from Tupac’s song Hell Razor for a very valid reason; that being the highlight of my day. Today, I spent a large portion conversing with a double OG name Larry Williams BKA Sapp. Mr. Williams as I called him is a well known ex-pimp, hustler, and gangster: All of the above. We met a couple days ago while waiting breakfast one morning; I was sitting the table talking about working out, staying healthy, or something of the sort; Diabetes that was it! He assumed I had the disease because most inmates at Butler are suffering from some type of illness. After all this is a medical camp. Anyhow, He told me a story about how dangerous it is to work out in the hot sun for long periods of time; while drinking an excessive amount of cold water afterwards. He explained how a friend of his died like that. So, later on that day we ended up eating lunch at the same table. Him, and some other guy from Jacksonville was talking about another O.G. I knew personally name Jedi. During their convo I stayed silent; not letting on that I knew who they were speaking of; I just sat and listened. For one you never know who knows who in the chain gang; so, it’s always wise to sit back and listen before talking openly about anyone. So, after chow when we got back to the dorm: I made him aware of the fact that I knew Jedi. We sat in on his bunk for about an hour; as I explained how I knew of Jedi. He then gave me a rundown on how he knew Jedi, along with the street version off Jedi’s rise in rank. See Jedi and I met while I was in Liberty C.I during my previous stint in prison. We maintained a close relationship for 6yrs; where we made a vow that we’d link up on the outs. Now in prison; the Jedi I knew was the money man. I really didn’t care about his status one way or another; but he had this aura about himself. The closer friends we became; the more of himself he exposed. Rumor was he was a big gambler, before he caught his 12yrs bid. Of course I’d put in the phone call to the streets, to follow up; to which he checked out. It was said that he rolled with a click of made guys that were real big in the local J-ville gambling circuit. Now, I am not at all naïve to believe all that I hear in the joint; sense dudes can be who they want to be in here, of course til someone from there hood comes in to exposed them, lol! Anyway, Sap gave me his version of this guy, which was more conclusive than the version Jedi gave me. Although he did gamble and hang with the hustlers, even had a lil money: He was far from the bonified husler he portrayed himself to be. Not in the same breath with Mr Williams/ Sap by no means. Sap and I sat a talked for almost two hours. We exposed a little about one another. I even told him about how I ended up compromising my G landing me my 1st 7yr bid- and for some shit that I didn’t do at that. We spoke about the state of mind of the youth coming up in the streets versus the old days. We even spoke about politics and strategy on surviving the game. It felt as if I was getting a lesson from Machiavelli or some modern day philosopher. I won’t say that I was intrigued, however the topic did hold my attention; which is hard to achieve- even in prison. It’s amazing how there is truly nothing new under the sun. Receiving such historical facts from Mr. Williams dating from the 70’s- 90’s; I wanted to know how could the game be manipulated or even maintained in this present day and age: Which I call the snitch era. And what methods would Mr. Williams go about doing so? One of the tactics we spoke about was the use of violence; taking down a list of the most heard about informants and displaying the killings so vicious that it would set an example for the rest. He compared it to how the Mafia of old handled informants. We spoke briefly on other tactics like maneuvering of working behind pawns. He stated; that if you are able to hand pick your clientele based on the quality of the product; You’d stand a better chance at surviving; Because when you can hand pick stand up guys out of working class citizens that have more to lose than the average street smoker, and build a relationship with them you are positioned to pen point a potential trader. However, there are draw backs from that as well; because most people who get set up are by someone that they trusted. So, in essence that’s a judgment call. In the end it’s truly everyman for himself and God for us all. We conversed a bit about woman; How to gain their loyalty and trust on down to choosing your wife. He shared with me the story how he met his wife. He said that he knew once he laid eyes on her that she was gonna be his wife. To me that’s powerful! Dude said he gave up his flock of hoes for her. Told her he didn’t need her to do nothing but raise his children. Thirty three years and seven kids later; they’re still together. She knew what type of man he was from the stories and rumor she heard in the street; but knew that he would become a completely different man with her love. The vicious man, with the hardened heart that the streets would depict him as; was the complete opposite with her. He did everything he told her he would do in protecting her and raising their kids’ family. She submitted, followed, and allowed him to lead as the king; having his back to the death. We spoke about some legitimate business endeavors; He shared my vision, even added to it. Before the day ended he gave me his personal info to contact him once I got to my permanent camp; and upon release. I never did ask what he was in for, or how much time he had; But I have a feeling it isn’t much………….
If it’s meant for us to meet again under different circumstances; what can I do to stop it? Til then, I will savor the conversation; and soak up the game. My journey continues…
-Banditti the don
Monday, July 5, 2010
The Awakening Experience J.E #7
Journal Entry #7 5-28-07
Habari, my children and loved ones; I am so extremely blessed to be alive and well. Regardless of my current location: (Dept of Corrections). The game I’ve accumulated these past past couple days- I wouldn’t change a thing. A times God may put you in a place; Well, let me quickly rephrase, because God doesn’t make the decision that place us anywhere; but allow us to be placed where He knows you will ultimately have a better chance to learn; and benefit from if you acknowledge and give Him the glory. For a street thug with ambition; prison can be used as a place where you can evolve into a don. You’ve got people her from all walks of life: The Dummies of the Dumb, and the Wisest of the Wise. Over the last past week; my neighbor white boy Richard Osbourne, have been developing a good vibe.
A relationship is truly rewarding when you can vibe with someone who posses your level of thinking. The range of your conversations are then unlimited! Had we met on the street- we’d be a helluva team; probably resulting to a large amount of wealth- And a ultimately a whole bunch of time to come with it.
Earlier today we spoke about kids, readymade families; to where he ended up getting me to open up about my relationship with my girlfriend. We discussed the up’s and down’s when raising another man’s child, which was enlightening. We even discussed my passion for having and raising my own children; so I came leave a legacy. This is one of the main reasons for these journal entries. In order for my future seeds to know the struggles, I endured while confined in this man made hell; And through the self inflicted pain, I am determined to do everything in my powers in order to overcome. I am an example, a living testament, that if you want to change, and truly sincere- You can! But it starts from within. I am honestly ashamed of the man I settled on being; and welcome the don I am evolving into…
-Banditti the don
Habari, my children and loved ones; I am so extremely blessed to be alive and well. Regardless of my current location: (Dept of Corrections). The game I’ve accumulated these past past couple days- I wouldn’t change a thing. A times God may put you in a place; Well, let me quickly rephrase, because God doesn’t make the decision that place us anywhere; but allow us to be placed where He knows you will ultimately have a better chance to learn; and benefit from if you acknowledge and give Him the glory. For a street thug with ambition; prison can be used as a place where you can evolve into a don. You’ve got people her from all walks of life: The Dummies of the Dumb, and the Wisest of the Wise. Over the last past week; my neighbor white boy Richard Osbourne, have been developing a good vibe.
A relationship is truly rewarding when you can vibe with someone who posses your level of thinking. The range of your conversations are then unlimited! Had we met on the street- we’d be a helluva team; probably resulting to a large amount of wealth- And a ultimately a whole bunch of time to come with it.
Earlier today we spoke about kids, readymade families; to where he ended up getting me to open up about my relationship with my girlfriend. We discussed the up’s and down’s when raising another man’s child, which was enlightening. We even discussed my passion for having and raising my own children; so I came leave a legacy. This is one of the main reasons for these journal entries. In order for my future seeds to know the struggles, I endured while confined in this man made hell; And through the self inflicted pain, I am determined to do everything in my powers in order to overcome. I am an example, a living testament, that if you want to change, and truly sincere- You can! But it starts from within. I am honestly ashamed of the man I settled on being; and welcome the don I am evolving into…
-Banditti the don
The Awakening Experience J.E #6
Journal #6 5-25-07
Good Afternoon, it’s almost lunch time; So, I’m kind of late with this entry. Actually it’s about two days old. I was supposed to write after this conversation I had with a white guy I met. My bunk mate and I was talking bout the president or something: And I was saying how Govt. was the biggest organized Mafia in the world. The white guy, which also happens to sleep 3 ft away, started dropping some jewels on the subject. He kept my attention for the most part because; He was dead right about what he was saying. He spoke about the powers that be addressing them as the illuminati. That right there really caught my attention. As if that wasn’t’ enough, He asked me have I ever heard of this book called the “Unseen Hand”? I said yes: By the author Ralph Epperson? He Said, you heard of it huh? I then answered: “Not only have I heard of it, I own it: read it twice”. Instantly we started comparing theories & matching wits.
After testing one another for a while; we decided to talk business, politics; then He drifted off on some illegal shit- which inevitably; would turn into criminal plots, and schemes to execute a crime. He went on to tell about his experience in the federal pen; and how some older guy gave him some wise words that didn’t ring true til years later. Though, I can’t quote him at the present time, since I took so long to write this. It was basically on how people come in contact with one another and though you may not know it at the time; that individual may ultimately serve some kind of purpose if you analyze them. He was saying that you can benefit from people in some way or another. I totally agree with that; because in life you meet people from all walks of life that have different backgrounds. The key, is to figure out their strengths and weaknesses in time to see how you can benefit from the relationship; That can range from financially gain to social position. We went on talking for the rest of the night, til lock down. During that time I learned something very valuable. Besides the fact that prison is mostly use as a school for furthering your criminal career; this place can also be use as college- a sanctuary of higher learning. But since most people that enter become bitter, and remorseful, therefore utilizing their time to plot bigger schemes to execute crimes; in order to suffice for the time and money lost during their bid. While most of us here have dreams, and high expectations of some kind; not all of us will seek, them; let alone apply the hard work, sacrifice, and dedication to make them realities. Well, of course that depends upon the nature; since most will put forth more effort in negative, than positive. So, for a man who doesn’t plan on changing or feels as if the world owes him something; prison can make you worst off as a person than you enter as; only motivating you to seek knowledge in the activities needed to further your career as a criminal… Wow! Sad, but so true…
-Banditti the don
Good Afternoon, it’s almost lunch time; So, I’m kind of late with this entry. Actually it’s about two days old. I was supposed to write after this conversation I had with a white guy I met. My bunk mate and I was talking bout the president or something: And I was saying how Govt. was the biggest organized Mafia in the world. The white guy, which also happens to sleep 3 ft away, started dropping some jewels on the subject. He kept my attention for the most part because; He was dead right about what he was saying. He spoke about the powers that be addressing them as the illuminati. That right there really caught my attention. As if that wasn’t’ enough, He asked me have I ever heard of this book called the “Unseen Hand”? I said yes: By the author Ralph Epperson? He Said, you heard of it huh? I then answered: “Not only have I heard of it, I own it: read it twice”. Instantly we started comparing theories & matching wits.
After testing one another for a while; we decided to talk business, politics; then He drifted off on some illegal shit- which inevitably; would turn into criminal plots, and schemes to execute a crime. He went on to tell about his experience in the federal pen; and how some older guy gave him some wise words that didn’t ring true til years later. Though, I can’t quote him at the present time, since I took so long to write this. It was basically on how people come in contact with one another and though you may not know it at the time; that individual may ultimately serve some kind of purpose if you analyze them. He was saying that you can benefit from people in some way or another. I totally agree with that; because in life you meet people from all walks of life that have different backgrounds. The key, is to figure out their strengths and weaknesses in time to see how you can benefit from the relationship; That can range from financially gain to social position. We went on talking for the rest of the night, til lock down. During that time I learned something very valuable. Besides the fact that prison is mostly use as a school for furthering your criminal career; this place can also be use as college- a sanctuary of higher learning. But since most people that enter become bitter, and remorseful, therefore utilizing their time to plot bigger schemes to execute crimes; in order to suffice for the time and money lost during their bid. While most of us here have dreams, and high expectations of some kind; not all of us will seek, them; let alone apply the hard work, sacrifice, and dedication to make them realities. Well, of course that depends upon the nature; since most will put forth more effort in negative, than positive. So, for a man who doesn’t plan on changing or feels as if the world owes him something; prison can make you worst off as a person than you enter as; only motivating you to seek knowledge in the activities needed to further your career as a criminal… Wow! Sad, but so true…
-Banditti the don
The Awakening Experience J.E #4
Journal #4 5-22-07
Once again the breaking process of an African American male continues in the 21st century. For the 2nd time in my life, my ancestors fresh of the slave ship and I are one. I don’t know what words to use to even describe the feeling; but I’ll try a few like degraded, humiliated, and stripped of my dignity, the list can go on & on. This process is ultimately designed to break the man down, humble him to the process where he has no more fight left in him; Strip him to the point where He’s out of touch with civilization make him feel less than the man that He left the free society as. To have a man get totally nake, and line them up side by side like cattle not only embarrasses Him; it’s lets him know that He’s no longer in control of the situation. How does one recover from such an experience? In my case- it’s rather complex because at times I tend to thrive off of pain, using it as fuel for my motivation. I have already seen vision of me as a successful black man; and I acknowledge the fact that it’s gonna take hard work; not only hard work, but sacrifice & craftiness. I cannot rest until I gain the success that was shown to me. This experience; as harsh as it may seem, is a good things- that’s if I survive. It’s a reminder of how quick & easy one bad decision can destroy your dreams… I while some cower at the sight of adversity- I simply smile; Because I am a testament of the bible verse, “All that will not kill me make me stronger”: So, I will continue to fight, not only for me but for my unborn seeds, for my deceased father: for my grandmother, for my mother that couldn’t break her crack addiction; Furthermore, for all those that cheer for me & believe. Failure is not an option…
-Banditti the don
Once again the breaking process of an African American male continues in the 21st century. For the 2nd time in my life, my ancestors fresh of the slave ship and I are one. I don’t know what words to use to even describe the feeling; but I’ll try a few like degraded, humiliated, and stripped of my dignity, the list can go on & on. This process is ultimately designed to break the man down, humble him to the process where he has no more fight left in him; Strip him to the point where He’s out of touch with civilization make him feel less than the man that He left the free society as. To have a man get totally nake, and line them up side by side like cattle not only embarrasses Him; it’s lets him know that He’s no longer in control of the situation. How does one recover from such an experience? In my case- it’s rather complex because at times I tend to thrive off of pain, using it as fuel for my motivation. I have already seen vision of me as a successful black man; and I acknowledge the fact that it’s gonna take hard work; not only hard work, but sacrifice & craftiness. I cannot rest until I gain the success that was shown to me. This experience; as harsh as it may seem, is a good things- that’s if I survive. It’s a reminder of how quick & easy one bad decision can destroy your dreams… I while some cower at the sight of adversity- I simply smile; Because I am a testament of the bible verse, “All that will not kill me make me stronger”: So, I will continue to fight, not only for me but for my unborn seeds, for my deceased father: for my grandmother, for my mother that couldn’t break her crack addiction; Furthermore, for all those that cheer for me & believe. Failure is not an option…
-Banditti the don
The Awakening Experience J.E #3
Journal #3 5-21-07
Had a very intriguing conversation- well it really wasn’t a conversation, cause I did most the talking; anyhow, my roommate and I had a discussion about everything from Politics to Real Estate, on down to relationships. During the course of our discussion; He told me that never met anyone in prison who spoke so eloquently. We’ll in his words; it was more like- “Man, you speak like someone that graduated from college”. While I did thank him for such a comment, being that he’s a graduate of Famu, and BCC; also an ex real estate broker and high school teacher himself. He said that he never had a conversation with a young black man/ convict at that; who spoke with such conviction. Not to sound overzealous but I do here that often; However, the comment struck a nerve because although to so speak proper and the range of my conversations vary; I told him that, I’d much rather considered someone who spoke with intellect, rather than being a mere college student; and although that’s what he may have meant; I explained the difference from me and a mere college student graduate. Afterwards he saw my point. I explained that I’m no greater than a stereotypical felon or your Thug. Other than the fact than I educated myself on the subjects I wanted to learn. But with that knowledge comes greater responsibility to exec ate, which I have yet to do. That’s added pressure that I live with, along with the scrutiny that I get from the still ignorant xcons; who may seem as if they really got to know my struggle, and once they do – They ultimately become admirers (silently) of course.
We spoke a bit more on other things. I explained to him what I believed to be my downfall that led me back to prison my 2nd trip. You want to know what that is? #1 lack of patience- can’t deny that fact. But ultimately my whole business plans was built around my high school friends, who had their own agenda’s due to personal obligations. So, that force me to regroup, cause in order to be successful in the entertainment business, you must hang or surround yourself when people that’s making similar moves.
I wasn’t, because I’m a new face in this city- And the entertainment market in Jax is relatively limited or lackluster. So, I have to either move to a metropolitan city or get up under some influential people who I can benefit from.
-Banditti the Don
Had a very intriguing conversation- well it really wasn’t a conversation, cause I did most the talking; anyhow, my roommate and I had a discussion about everything from Politics to Real Estate, on down to relationships. During the course of our discussion; He told me that never met anyone in prison who spoke so eloquently. We’ll in his words; it was more like- “Man, you speak like someone that graduated from college”. While I did thank him for such a comment, being that he’s a graduate of Famu, and BCC; also an ex real estate broker and high school teacher himself. He said that he never had a conversation with a young black man/ convict at that; who spoke with such conviction. Not to sound overzealous but I do here that often; However, the comment struck a nerve because although to so speak proper and the range of my conversations vary; I told him that, I’d much rather considered someone who spoke with intellect, rather than being a mere college student; and although that’s what he may have meant; I explained the difference from me and a mere college student graduate. Afterwards he saw my point. I explained that I’m no greater than a stereotypical felon or your Thug. Other than the fact than I educated myself on the subjects I wanted to learn. But with that knowledge comes greater responsibility to exec ate, which I have yet to do. That’s added pressure that I live with, along with the scrutiny that I get from the still ignorant xcons; who may seem as if they really got to know my struggle, and once they do – They ultimately become admirers (silently) of course.
We spoke a bit more on other things. I explained to him what I believed to be my downfall that led me back to prison my 2nd trip. You want to know what that is? #1 lack of patience- can’t deny that fact. But ultimately my whole business plans was built around my high school friends, who had their own agenda’s due to personal obligations. So, that force me to regroup, cause in order to be successful in the entertainment business, you must hang or surround yourself when people that’s making similar moves.
I wasn’t, because I’m a new face in this city- And the entertainment market in Jax is relatively limited or lackluster. So, I have to either move to a metropolitan city or get up under some influential people who I can benefit from.
-Banditti the Don
The Awakening Exp. J.E #2
Journal Entry 2
As always I thank God for the strength and the ability to endure suffering. It’s true that He will not put you through nothing you can’t bare. Though, your willingness to follow throu is totally up to you.
Sometimes, I wonder if I’m wrong for challenging God on even questioning him at times; While some my say, Yes!!! I simply say that my faith in him is so strong that I do it unconsciously. I believe in the creator with such conviction that I invite all that comes my way, until he says no more because my strength comes from Him. Of course, I’m not naïve enough to think I don’t play significant role in inflicting unwanted adversaries amongst myself; However, it’s only because I don’t mind making mistakes that I’m willing to pay for. This is totally selfish of me I know because in the process of hurting myself I’m also hurting those who love me. I truly appreciate those individuals that show me the same love I show them. If I had more people in my life that did me like I did them- I’d be eternally grateful. However, regardless of such I’m still grateful to God for allowing me to Love Period. I feel that love can never be in vain, if you love yourself just as much, if not more than the love you’re giving out. And you show yourself this by taking care of your temple health, spirit. You follow through on your personal goals and aspirations. Make the necessary sacrifices it takes in order to accomplish these goals. And once you see the results & how much your grown as a person, mother friend, husband, wife; along with the positive effect your individual growth may have in other peoples’ lives; There is no greater feeling. So, while I may seem like I’m suffering just know that it’s not done in vain; Not everyone makes it out the gutter let alone the belly of the beast… My struggle is Devine!!!
As always I thank God for the strength and the ability to endure suffering. It’s true that He will not put you through nothing you can’t bare. Though, your willingness to follow throu is totally up to you.
Sometimes, I wonder if I’m wrong for challenging God on even questioning him at times; While some my say, Yes!!! I simply say that my faith in him is so strong that I do it unconsciously. I believe in the creator with such conviction that I invite all that comes my way, until he says no more because my strength comes from Him. Of course, I’m not naïve enough to think I don’t play significant role in inflicting unwanted adversaries amongst myself; However, it’s only because I don’t mind making mistakes that I’m willing to pay for. This is totally selfish of me I know because in the process of hurting myself I’m also hurting those who love me. I truly appreciate those individuals that show me the same love I show them. If I had more people in my life that did me like I did them- I’d be eternally grateful. However, regardless of such I’m still grateful to God for allowing me to Love Period. I feel that love can never be in vain, if you love yourself just as much, if not more than the love you’re giving out. And you show yourself this by taking care of your temple health, spirit. You follow through on your personal goals and aspirations. Make the necessary sacrifices it takes in order to accomplish these goals. And once you see the results & how much your grown as a person, mother friend, husband, wife; along with the positive effect your individual growth may have in other peoples’ lives; There is no greater feeling. So, while I may seem like I’m suffering just know that it’s not done in vain; Not everyone makes it out the gutter let alone the belly of the beast… My struggle is Devine!!!
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