The Guilty One J.E #11

The Guilty One
Journal entry #11 6-4-07

Hakuna Imani! I start this notation with a bit of frustration, because of a vision I had last night, of early this morning. The vision could be interpreted many different ways; However, I always tend to lean towards the negative aspect of them- since I’m somewhat of a realest. So let’s call this journal the “Guilty One!” shall we? Ok, let me get str8 to the point. My dream was about me being sent away to possibly a prison of some sort; to find that my girlfriend was cheating while I was incarcerated. In this, although I didn’t get a clear view of who my girlfriend was- I will have to say she’s my current- Sasha. For some reason or another I got an early release, and she didn’t know it. I went to the house while she was perhaps at work and for some reason noticed these satin panties with a heart shape on them; it must have been Valentine’s Day or something. Anyhow, I pick the panties up and it was a white substance on them, what I perceived to be cum. Now, I instantly go in investigative mood. I called at the last minute to make her aware or the fact that I was out on furlough, and to come pick me up from a specific location: then I had some type of surveillance on the house. And although I never saw anyone (male) that is: I questioned her faithfulness. Now, this dream had a lot more detail. For one there was a point to where I was tempted to get back at her by knockin off some chic, but declined due to the fact that I was on a mission; and there were some other factors letting us know that it wasn’t meant. But, to say that I couldn’t sleep would be an understatement; I literally had pains in my stomach, (anxiety) so bad that I couldn’t sleep. I don’t know why I felt that why. It felt as if she was having sex with someone right at that moment. It was like someone was violating my territory. But, that’s not what hurt me the most. What really fucked me up was once I finally go to the house to see the girls; it felt as if they’d seen a ghost. They had this guilty look on their face, not for their sake; but they’re mothers. The vibe that I got from them was so strong, until I didn’t even try to ask any questions, because at that present moment I couldn’t stand to hear the truth. After I couldn’t go back to sleep and the ache in my heart wouldn’t stop; I just sat u thinking that somehow I somehow I deserved to be treated that way. It was like I was being paid back for the woman whose heart I hurt. All at once my emotions started playing on my mind, til I felt so weak. Weak for love, a sucker for love; because after chasing me for so long, cupid had finally struck me with his; and I felt as though I was really in love and could let my guard down- Finally, I can submit my heart to the female species. But, low & behold; the joke was on me. So, not as I sit here writing this testimony, having conflicting feelings, I ask myself; will I ever trust a woman with my heart?
Is it even worth me living that deep, til I subdue myself totally to love & devotion; only to be devastated, having my heart suffers in Heart Break Hell- if there is such a thing. Right not at this present time; I wonder if I’d ever enjoy the happiness and the joys, the wholeness, the unification that comes with being in love? And for a long time in my 30 yrs. Of existence in this place we call Earth; I am honestly frightened for my future… Afraid of being let down by my arch enemy- LOVE…
And until I win that battle- “Hakuna Imani” There will never be peace- at least within me…
If I ever got had the chance to love again/ While I waste risk such a feeling/ that made feel at peace within? / And girl, if I place my heart in your pretty hands.

-Banditti the don